Dress code for a married woman
Almost every girl who gets married wants to dress up for her husband. She enjoys the compliments, clicks some nice pictures and, you know, loves looking good and graceful.
I am Indian. I recently got married. I love dressing up for my husband. He loves seeing me in sarees. Wearing saree is a tedious and tiring for me but I bear the pain just to see his face all lit up. I wish my relationship with sarees was just that. But alas, there is more to it.
Just after the wedding, we went to the Kuldevi temple (Kula, meaning clan and Devata/Devi, meaning deity. Thus, it can be said that Kuladevatas are deities that are worshiped by particular clans). We visited there to conduct a jagraata (Jagraata is a ceremony of praying and singing hymns throughout the night). I was told that I absolutely must be wearing a saree in this ceremony.
A few days passed, the Indian festival of Holi came by. Holi is the festival of colors to signify the triumph of good over evil. But I was told I need to wear a pink saree because it’s my first Holi after the wedding.
I want to question this occasional dress code conversation. And I want to question families where women have a daily dress code.
I find myself asking — Why? If I do not wear a saree, what’ll happen?
Will my prayers at the jagraata won’t be heard ? The all-night singing of prayers in jagraata that I was part of means nothing? So, God cares about the dress code more than devotion in my prayers?
If I don’t wear a saree on Holi, am I not eligible to celebrate Holi? Will it no longer be my first Holi, without a saree? Can the good win over evil only if newlyweds are dressed in pink sarees?
Why are Indian rituals tied to what the lady is wearing than to the lady herself? Many women love wearing sarees. Many would pull off sarees just for the look. But these rules create a bitterness towards saree and ethnic attires. Do we really want that?
Who do these rules apply to?
As I was struggling to find answers to these questions, I realized that these dress codes are mostly for women. We usually don’t see men laying ground rules: “Ram, you need to wear a golden saafa for Diwali pooja”. Men could pull off pants, maybe jeans even on such occasions. God answers my husband’s prayers even when he’s wearing PJs. My husband was never told to pull off a dhoti or kurta for celebrating Holi, he might as well have worn shorts.
Who is imposing these dress code laws on women?
Sadly, the climax to this story has a very commonplace theme, women oppression. Mostly, women pass the dress code rulebook to the next generations. Most of the families have a lady who knows what should be worn and until when (Oh yes! there are timelines involved). She could be a Maasi or a Dadi, a Bhua or a Didi, could be anyone. She can tell you if the head should be covered. Or if any specific jewelry needs to be worn. In some, relatively rarer families, the rulebook expert are men.
Any guesses on why more time than not it’s a lady? :)
Anyway. This just happens to be just one more, out of a zillion topics, where women need each other's support. In short, girl power needed.
Why it’s time to stop these rules?
- Even kids like to choose what they wear. Why do women not have that freedom?
- Women today are excelling in all fields and reaching heights of all career fields. Should we really be telling them what to wear?
- If a family accepts a woman as part of the family, if a man chooses a lady as his partner, they are trusting this lady to be a daughter-in-law, a wife, maybe a mother in future. Can’t she be trusted to make the right decision about her own clothing?
Do we need these rules?
Let’s talk a bit more about the 3rd bullet.
I have got a surprise for everyone who likes these rules. Women know what to wear. It doesn’t matter if she’s a working woman or a housewife, she will know what to wear. There must be some reason that my gender is known to know to rule the red carpet. ;)
Most women will automatically would choose to wear ethnic for any ethnic occasion. Their choice of clothing may actually end up being better than the attire dictated by the rulebook.
I’ve another surprise for you. Women love wearing ethnic attires. Ethinics make us look like queens but also win uscompliments. Many women also like wearing ethnic because it’s natural and more comfortable attire for them. Making ethnic wear a mandate is killing the fun.
(Most) Men don’t have any rules, they seem to be doing fine. It’s high time we trust the gender which is the centerpiece of the fashion industry!
Let’s change this...
Far more stringent rules were imposed on women 20+ years back. Has the situation lighten — mostly, but not everywhere. Why does it have to lighten? Why aren’t we getting rid of such norms?
Next time, when you hear any lady pass a ruling on another woman’s clothing, please speak up.
Disclaimer: There is nothing generic about Indian families. Sometimes these rules enforced by in-laws, husbands, grandparents, relatives, or even family friends. These aren’t always implemented by women, there are men who have expertise in knowing the rulebook. Sometimes these aren’t rules, these are unsaid expectations. And when these expectations aren’t met, the so-called bahu meets a lot of contempt and criticism. Some houses also have rules for men. So, there is nothing generic about Indian families.
